Relational Trauma & Emotion Regulation
We grow through relationship…
Often when we think about trauma, individual events such as a car accident, a robbery, or an assault come to mind as well as experiences of abuse in relationships. These experiences can be very traumatic and leave folks with symptoms like flash backs, numbing, dissociation, low self-worth, or difficulty feeling safe in relationships of all kinds. However, many people go through life never having experienced anything like this, but are still left with these or similar symptoms of trauma.
Each one of us is unique and has our own set of needs from the time we are born. These needs become understood and met when we grow up within safe, attuned attachment relationships from the beginning of our lives. It is under these circumstances that we develop into healthy adults who feel safe with our emotions, ask for help when needed, and feel a sense of belonging within our community.
Sometimes these circumstances aren’t present in our lives, however. We may have all our material needs met and never experienced violence in the home, but maybe we had a sibling that had significant needs or health concerns that occupied a lot of the rest of our family’s attention. Maybe a parent was overwhelmed or stressed with work or their own relationship concerns, or they may have been (and continue to be) emotionally unavailable. Maybe someone in our family was struggling with addiction. Sometimes it’s as simple as there was a mismatch between ourselves and our parents or the rest of our family, creating many little experiences of mis-attunement, disconnection and misunderstanding. When this is the case, we can sometimes internalize a sense that something is wrong with us, disconnect or numb our emotions and needs, or experience relationships as unsafe.
The good news is, the types of relationships we needed growing up can always be introduced into our lives at any point to create the circumstances that lead to healing and growth. I view part of my role as helping create these circumstances. I hope to create a safe space where you can increasingly connect with your needs and the qualities that make you unique in a compassionate and supportive way, with the hope that we can explore how to meet your needs and heal wounds that were created when these experiences occurred.
…and emotion regulation is how this happens
Life provides us with many different types of experiences, all of which impact us each in variable and unique ways. I believe humans are made to experience and feel the impact of their lives within the safety of their community and relationships, as this can support us in development and adapting to what life has for us. Life’s impact often manifests as emotion, which everyone experiences, as emotion communicates our needs, boundaries, and values as we experience life. I believe emotions provide vital information about who we uniquely are at our core, provide pathways towards our sense of self, and support us in understanding how we are meant to move through our lives. However, many do not always have access to the space and support to feel and process emotion in a way that is supportive for our development.
We learn to understand and manage our emotions and thus, ourselves, through our relational contexts such as cultural and familial environments. When certain emotions are viewed as “not okay” for whatever reason (maybe you were raised not to cry or show anger, or even be “too” happy or excited), these emotions in turn can eventually be perceived as threats within the body and nervous system. This can result in feelings of anxiety or a reduced window of tolerance as the body navigates shutting down “unsafe” emotions that come up naturally and even for good reason. My hope is to support you in tuning in to your own emotions and how they uniquely show up for you in a nonjudgmental and accepting way, so that we may in turn glean the wisdom they are trying to offer.
“It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where ‘Home’ is. You know that a place that feels like being found exists. And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of ‘lost-ness’ just brought you closer to it.”
—Erika Harris